To Love

I was just reading through my journal today. I like to do this, to remind myself what God is doing in my life and remember what I'm striving towards. God is SO good, I feel bad that I don't thank Him enough you know? I read a page in my journal a couple of weeks ago and just cried. I couldn't believe where I was, in such a dark place, and where I am now! The pages after that, were pages written from a different person; changed and restored . It's quite beautiful actually. Maybe some day I will muster up the courage to share that, but for now, I will share this one:)

I just want to love. Love without judgements, labels and status. Love without favoritism and hypocrisy, love without looking at what someone does instead of who they are.

Can I attain such a love? A love that goes beyond my weak attempts, and selfish motives. Can I look past the hurt, humiliation and defile that someone else's mistakes brought me? Can love through the cold heart that starts to resent, become bitter, and turn sour from the hateful things in this world? Can I stay steady and strong in love, with those who don't love in return, who spit on the ground I walk on? Those who make it hard to love them, could I choose to love them anyway?

Love. Such an amazing thing. What a small word for something so big. People may fight over what they believe in. Who's right or who's wrong, in politics and religion. But no matter how different we are, where we grew up, what we've learned, what we believe or stand up for; everyone will stand up for love. Even those who don't understand it. Love is always a favorite, it's my favorite for sure.

I believe this is true, because that is what GOD is, LOVE. He IS love. This is why it's such an honor to be HIS. His love is perfect, unconditional, no attachments, just pure. So love is what I plea for, in this world and in my life. My prayer is to love like He does. To not see people the way the world does, but the way He sees them. I'm so thankful that I can aspire to love the way our Father loves. A desire to share a tiny glimpse of who God is, love.

Morning Flight

Flying in the morning has got to be my favorite time to fly. Yes I wake up to precious people who sacrifice their beaty sleep and join me in running on 3-4. I sit here in the dark with nothing but the warm glow of the no smoking signs, and cinemagic coming through my headphones. I don't know why, but I just feel so close to God up here. Not because I feel closer to heaven, but the peace around me, the non-chaotic earth below, and the the awesome full moon to the left of me. I got a window seat, which never happens to me, and two empty seats next to me woot.woot. I'm sipping my hot tea and sighing in peaceful comfort. I love the Lord, I love that He blesses me with these little moments. I really needed to be quite, still, peaceful and talk to Him with hope and peace that He has control. So I'm looking out my window with the warmth of my tea, smiling at the kids in front of me (laughing at their learning how to speak voice) and thinking/praying about things i haven't thought or prayed about in awhile.. How cool is it that to the left of me it's a full moon, I follow it's light on bits of water...It reminds me of a little round mirror reflecting off the wall (or some ones face). There's a storm in the distance, a big burst of lighting displays behind the clouds. Then I have the sunrise on my right painting everything it touches with bright beautiful orangy reddish awesomeness. *sigh* I love it, I love life, I love people, and of course the One who brilliantly created all these things I love. Here I come Kansas.

I have come to the conclusion, thanks to help of the great loving honesty of Douglas, that I am a worry wort. I have gotten so consumed with making plans for my future, the fear of utter humiliation, failure, expectations, not making the right choices, missing out on great opportunities, and not being good enough. I used to go with the flow, wait last minute to make decisions, and never have this wrenching anxiety like I do now. Thank you Doug for helping me realize I need to simply trust. I'm excited to be in this place, where I can be anything, go anywhere and just be free to follow God's leading. I have to choose to be bold and confident, not in what I can do, but what He does through me, who He has made me to be. I'm letting go, and asking for His help once again. I seem to let satin have more power over me than he actually does. So I refuse to believe the lies coming from that one, myself, or other voices coming at me. I love to be totally dependent on Him, that is where I find strength. I'm happy for the unknown, because It's taking me outside myself  and placing me right into His hands:) The best place. I'm sorry for worrying, I hope in my diligence I can just be faithful to live this day, being my best, and trusting that tomorrow will  be another honor of mine to please and serve Him. Cheesy I know, but that's all I want.

Ahh Facebook. I have decided to let go of the obsession for this week of spring break. Yes, I have been on it a time or two just to check my email, because that's the only way my sister sends her info about bridesmaid dresses/wedding stuff. So I had to get on mine for that reason, but I have to say I didn't look at anything else on the life sucking social network. I'm sure I will get pulled right back in when the time is up. Even after the time I allotted myself is up, I'm hoping to stay off it more. 

I am so free to do other things that actually help me in life. Today, I actually spoke on the phone with my sister instead of endless messages and posts. I haven't a clue what's going on with people, but I just love it to pieces. I spent hours on my guitar in place of the endless hours on the couch, face locked into the computer. I've read some really great blogs and articles that have brought encouragement and understanding:) and spent a wonderful time with God. My day was fun filled, eventful, and productive I feel. I got to take part in great conversations with REAL people, face to face like the old days haha.

 I'm liking this, no Facebook thing! I have to admit, it is hard not seeing pictures of people and events ( I did look at some beach day pics from Jennie Penny's computer) or wanting to see if anyone has written on my wall and keeping up with people I haven't talked to in years. But it has been good.

I don't look down at people on Facebook, and I'm not trying to sound negative about it, I'm just finding it freeing to disconnect. 

deligence

2 peter 1 it talks about us being diligent in our faith, to supply moral excellence, and in our moral excellence, knowledge, in knowledge, self-control, in our self-control, perseverance, and in our perseverance, godliness and in our godliness, brotherly kindness, and in our brotherly kindness, love. It goes on to say that if these qualities are ours and increasing they render us neither useless or un-fruitful in the true knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. If we lack these we are blind, short sighted and have forgotten our purification of the sins we used to be in. Peter urges us to be all the more diligent to make sure His(God)calling and choosing us, so that as long as we practice these qualities will never stumble. 

I read this passage this morning, and was so encouraged by it. Why is it so easy to be lazy? I have spent pointless hours doing things that can never bring me a step closer to my certainty with Christ. I have not been fruitful, I have had this urgency to diligence, perseverance,and to longer be stagnant in my faith. I am a lazy person, these qualities Peter urges, are not practiced. I'm challenged to actually gain knowledge over naivety,self-control over, embellishment, excellence not half hearted, kindness over resentment and testiness, and love over judgement and my self-centered world. No one wants to be un-fruitful, I don't want to become forgetful of all the wonderful things God has saved me from. I refuse to be blind, and I want to be certain of God's calling. I'm glad That this has reminded me, I get so blah and tasteless.  

Today, alone in my apartment all day, sends me into this weird mood. I like the solitude sometimes, I think I actually needed it today to think and focus. I tell ya, lately there has been such a battle within me. There are so many anxious thoughts and an urgency for a more passionate driven life. I want to know what choices to make for tomorrow, but I want to be passionate for today, and not let the worry for what tomorrow may bring effect the day I am in now. I  think about the people I know, who live to just get to the next day. I am that too, I guess we all can be. Yesterday, I got to have this great time to talk to God. Just relieve and confess everything on my heart, and actually pray for other people for goodness sake. It was wonderful and things came up that I haven't even realized before. I have been troubled and I have friends that have been troubled lately. There is a continuous fight that we seem to have, and yet how many times do we just let it keep driving into us, without even stopping to just say hey can we pray? Payer, is a such a privilege we have, to be able to talk to God, who is mighty and huge beyond our humanly minds, but He is still like a comforting Father, who will listen. He gives this peace that who ever is burdened and lays it all down truthfully to Him, knows that it doesn't compare to anything this world may offer. I'm grateful that He chooses to listen, and that when I actually get my focus off myself and choose to just listen, there is this gorgeous  connection that makes me have this big burst of love for Him.

In awe

Sunday, November 05, 2006 

i just have to say that God is the most beautiful and amazing thing in my life, well not just in but IS my life, and i am so honord to say that! i am excited to be able to say i am His i wouldn't have it any other way. i am in awe that He wants me too, wants to forgive me,wants  me to know Him.. and it is a beautiful relationship, i'm stoaked to not just learn about Him but that He shows me who He is, His character and He never ceases to amaze me. Jesus has revealed a side of Himself to me that i have not exsperienced before and i see Him, not just the stories in the Bible, not the sermon on sundays, not even the words from another friend, but Himself, right in the center of my heart and i am at the point of unexplainable. there are so many words i can use that describes Him and how much love i have for Him, but not one seems to give the glory He deserves. He has made me free and He has rescued me from myself and satin's grip. the funny thing is that satin tries to one-up on God and tries to strip down God's children, but the harder satin works, harder the trial, harder the circumstances, the more Glory the Lord recieves, because He is there working HIS perfect plan, teaching us through it all, delivering and showing us more of His character. He works ALL things for good for those who love HIM. so just when satin thinks he defeat God or His people, he is faced with the reality that God has already defeated him and He is far more powerful. so there hahaha satin, just when he thought this it, God is like look she is made strong through me. how many times God reminds me, or teaches me something new, and there i forget so easily.why? it is so foolish, but the beautiful thing is , that God is still there, holding my hand, and shaping my heart, when i don't deserve it. that is the beauty of His love. i love Him with all that i have and i honord to say that i have been rescued by such a Holy, Just, perfect, loving Father. i could go on forever, but just know i am left in awe right now as He always seems to leave me:) God is good. This was a blog I wrote Three years ago, but I had to share what God was doing in my heart then. How many times do we forget moments like these. Times when the Lord has just got you right there in His arms. I was talking about pain in the blog I just posted before this, and I wanted to share in the GOODNESS if God. This was written a little less than a month from the toughest time I have ever had. To see/remember how God took me from a place I never ever thought I'de be brings me to an overwelhming LOVE for Him (welling lol). I love Him, more and more. My prayer is that I would strive to love the way He has loved me.